Yes, promises without follow-through are manipulation. Perhaps you did mean it when you said it, but now it's just not worth your time or effort. Or worse, you may have never intended to keep the promise. Either way, making promises to friends, family, or romantic partners that you don't keep is a way of manipulating them into staying in your life. Doing nice things for other people certainly is not a bad thing. But if you're only doing them because you expect it to come back around and serve you, that's manipulation.
Not only are you not being genuine with those you're supposedly doing nice things for, but you're really only doing them for you. Maybe your punishment style is withholding affection or posting something passive-aggressive on your Instagram story.
Whatever the case, if you respond really negatively to things not going your way and take it out on others in the form of punishment, that is definitely manipulation. And lastly, do you find yourself frequently persuading people to do what you want or to behave in a certain way? Manipulative people can be very persuasive and have a keen understanding of the mental tactics that can wear people down.
So, how does one become manipulative? According to Barham, "these people are convinced if they were to really ask for what they wanted and needed that the answer would be no. Manipulation is in many ways a defense mechanism, Page says. For certain personality types—such as sociopaths and narcissists —manipulation is simply part of the package, Page adds, but generally, there is a spectrum, and in most cases, the more trauma, the more potential a person has to take a manipulative turn for the worst.
The first step is acknowledging how you've been manipulative and, from there, asking yourself what pain underneath could have caused it, according to Page. And the final stage is to interact from a healthier place. A therapist can help you with this, which both Barham and Page recommend. If you're in a relationship, Page notes, couples' therapy is also a good idea. And be sure to "talk to your therapist about why you feel you're not deserving of people to show up for you," Barham adds.
Because patterns of manipulation become habitual, it can be very difficult to rewire that circuitry—but not impossible. Barham suggests being frank with the people you're closest with and asking them to nicely say something if they catch you manipulating. She also adds that a big part of the work will be accepting that you can't always get what you want. Be mindful of your interactions with people, Barham adds, and ask questions like, What is it I'm trying to achieve here?
If you've realized you are manipulative or at least can have manipulative tendencies, you've already made a huge step by acknowledging it and hopefully wanting to get better. With some inner work and healing , you can mitigate those behaviors and get your needs met without trickery. This mantra from Page says it best: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. You are now subscribed Be on the lookout for a welcome email in your inbox!
Main Navigation. Are You Manipulative? Log in Profile. Saved Articles. Web Design and Web Marketing by Webconsuls. Back to Blog. They Make You Question Your Reality Manipulative people are masters of gaslighting — a trait they share with narcissists, abusers, dictators and cult leaders.
Dealing With Manipulative People Is being on the receiving end of a manipulative relationship straining your self-confidence? Know when to say no: Manipulation is all about controlling others. In that case, keep your distance as much as possible.
The door-in-the-face technique is the opposite—it involves someone making a big request, having it rejected, then making a smaller one, Olson explains. Someone doing contract work, for example, may ask you for a large sum of money up front, and then after you decline, will ask for a smaller amount, he says.
This works because, following the larger request, the smaller appeal seems reasonable comparatively, Olson says. A good support group can help, too, says Stines. They are conditioned to think the interactions are normal. Someone needs to help them break out of that assumption. For other forms of manipulation, Stines suggests trying to not allow the manipulative behavior to affect you personally.
Often, establishing boundaries can play an important role in keeping manipulation at bay. Manipulators often have either boundaries that are too rigid or enmeshed boundaries. In a manipulative situation, it can also help to delay your response, according to Olson.
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